(Very) honest feelings about nursing and weaning

Over the past several months I've thought a lot about weaning Joseph. We've reached a very difficult place in our nursing relationship and it deeply saddens me to feel like it needs to end soon. I'm all for CLW (Child lead weaning) and think its beautiful, healthy and completely normal to nurse an "older" child but something's gotta give here. 

I have been nursing constantly, every day and every night, for over two and a half years; 32 and a half months; 141 weeks; and if my calculations are correct, 987 days (980 if you don't count the first week of Joseph's life when he wouldn't latch). This includes nursing through my entire pregnancy with Noah and the last (nearly) 10 months of which have been tandem nursing both boys. 

Now lets get one thing straight, I am not complaining about never getting a break from nursing. I LOVE my nursing relationships, the bond I have with my children, and am honestly proud of how long I've been nursing, especially being a younger mother. I know its the best thing for my children, it keeps me healthy and has really slimmed me down after two pregnancies (in which I gained a LOT of weight), and reduces my risk of breast cancer with each day of breastfeeding (something that has been a harsh reality in my family the last several months). The benefits my children (yes, even my two and a half year old) receive are innumerable. 

There's an element in my nursing relationship with Joseph that I simply can not deal with or dismiss any longer... I don't like nursing him anymore. It honestly brings tears to my eyes to type that but it feels good. I'm finally acknowledging something I've tried ignoring for quite a few months now but it hasn't changed or gone away. Its not that I don't want to nurse Joseph any longer, I honestly want to continue for as long as he'd like until he's comfortable enough to give it up, but I don't think that is going to be an option for us. Nursing Joseph is not something I can continue with and feel good about because not weaning him is making me a bad mom. 

Every nursing mother has probably experience that 'skin crawling' feeling from being over stimulated and touched-out. What I feel is like that but 100 times multiplied. 8 times out of 10 I can't stand the physical sensation of him nursing. The feeling makes me crazy, inside and out. It takes all my power to just lay there and feel that when he's falling asleep in his bed while nursing. I will pull my hair, bite my arm or tongue, dig my fingernail into my leg, anything to take my mind off it. I literally Can. Not. Stand it. If its during the day I can usually only last a couple minutes before I make him stop. Most of the time I dread having to nurse him, like I legitimately don't want to. He's constantly digging down my shirt and bra, lifting my shirt trying to get at them. I have no personal space between the baby nursing and him nursing (on top of all the asking and digging) It makes me crabby him asking all the time because I say not right now and when I do say yes its so brief because of how it physically makes me feel. I get mad and angry at him when I feel that way...I can't help it, like the feeling seriously drives me mad. I feel terrible being grouchy at him when he's just asking for something he loves so much. He doesn't understand that it makes me feel crazy, nursing is something he has ALWAYS had and why should that change? The interesting part is that I never feel this way when nursing Noah, I get the typical touched-out feelings now and then but never feel the intense feeling like I do when Joseph nurses. My body is showing clear signs that it doesn't want this any longer and its impossible to ignore them, as much as I'd like to.

Nursing is Joseph's favorite thing in the world. He will NEVER not nurse when I offer. Its the last thing he wants before bed and while drifting off to sleep and the FIRST thing he wants when he wakes up in the morning. He's asking to nurse before his eyes are even open, I kid you not.  At this point he's coming to me asking to nurse at least every hour or so, if not more. He wants to nurse more than his baby brother who is almost exclusively breastfed and has minimal solid foods in his diet. If the baby is nursing, its only fair (in his mind) that he gets a turn also. He will stand or sit beside Noah and I waiting not-so-patiently for a turn. And he's quick! If Noah unlatches for a second or two, Joseph wastes no time taking baby's 'left overs', even if he wasn't finished! You snooze you loose! Lean over to pick up the soap or wash someone's hair in the shower and BAM! he's latched on! He's been known to pull it out of baby's mouth to take a turn if he's taking too long and a few times I've woke up thinking I was nursing Noah and it turned out to be Joseph! Haha!! Joseph will, and often demands, to nurse rather than eat food. It breaks his little heart if I say he can't nurse right now and he gets very upset when he's taken off before he's 'finished'. He will scream and cry and throw a fit if I say no, adding my frustration with the situation. But its still the magic boo-boo milk and he forgets about his Ouchies once he gets to nurse. It calms tantrums and puts a spell over sleepy boys, floating him off into sleep. Its a special thing that keeps my growing and active boy close to me, a little piece of my "baby" that I'm sad to let go of. You can see why weaning poses an interesting problem in our house...

I've never weaned a child before so this is all new to me, but I feel like tandem nursing brings its own set of issues to the table because the boobs are still being used. Its like giving one child a cookie and telling the other he can't have treats anymore but your brother can. He's not going to understand (or take well to the idea) that Noah still gets to nurse but he can't. Nursing the baby as often as I do is only going to be a cruel, harsh reminder for Joseph that they're still there, they still make delicious milk, but not for you anymore. Can you say sibling rivalry? He already has to share me and his nurfies and his bed and his toys, and now he's expected to give up nursing too? Seems really unfair. 

It is what it is though. I can't stop the way I feel and its not his fault, just nature and the way things are. I don't feel like we have any other option really. I can't continue to be this crabby mom-ster who yells and gets angry with my kids because my nerves are frazzled and I'm screaming inside because I'm being driven physically insane. The way I feel on the inside just comes out sometimes and I can't control it. That is NOT the mom I want to be. I don't want to yell at my kids or be short tempered with them. They're just babies. My babies. I really feel like I need to wean Joseph to be a better mom to him. I honestly don't feel like a good mom because the feelings make me feel terrible and not just physically. I know he's not going to be happy with it but its just going to have to work. Its something I know I need to do and it's going to be better for us on the long run.

My plan is to work on weaning slowly over the next few months. He will be 3 mid-November and I feel that's a good place to stop. I'm unsure if we'll continue to nurse to sleep at night or if I will cut everything out at that point. I wouldn't mind keeping the night time nursing in the picture but I feel that may hinder the day-time weaning process. If we can eliminate the nursing slowly, get down to only a couple sessions throughout the day and have him get use to that it would be a great start. We're still working through some speech delays/communication issues so its not as easy as just explaining to him that he's a big boy now or that Noah's a baby so he still needs the nurfies, he needs to get used to that routine of not nursing all the time, and not asking all the time. Once weaned I will give him breastmilk in a cup so he will still have that, although I know that's not why he loves nursing so much. Its the comfort thing, I'm like a big giant pacifier. He nursed throughout my entire pregnancy without any milk being there, so the milk is just a bonus to him. 

I don't want you, reader, to take away from this post that Tandem Nursing is terrible and think that you will feel this way too. I had several months of perfect tandem nursing where I didn't feel like this. The first 6 months or so were great, its still great actually. It really helped Joseph adapt to having a baby brother and get use to him. When Noah was first born Joseph didn't want anything to do with him. He wouldn't 'hold' him, sit by him for pictures, nothing. The only way I could get him to interact with the baby was to tandem nurse them, where he had no choice but to sit near him. I would lay the baby close to him and eventually he started to get used to him, he would even hold Noah's hand sometimes. Tandem nursing helped us tremendously as a family adjust to having a new baby as well and its so special, not many families get to experience this. I'm so lucky and grateful to have had the opportunity to have this unique relationship with my boys.

Noah 3 days old, Josephh 22.5m old